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Misogyny in Silent Hill Downpour! Sickening!

29 Apr

(Silent Hill is awesome, sexy nurses and bitches-with-nails included. This post is in the name of fun and, whilst I do think it’s kinda hilarious that most of the enemies are bitches on heat, I don’t consider it offensive at all. Not one bit. )

So after the disgusting mini-skirt-clad nurses from Silent Hill 2 and that harlot Maria, we now have these: Screamers.

Screamers are women who waddle about after Murphy Pendleton in the latest Silent Hill game: Downpour. Having watched a playthrough I decided to pluck up the courage to play the game myself, and I have to say, I was sickened by the sexism in this vile, vile game.

(I’m actually loving it so far)

Now it’s bad enough that throughout the game we’re chased down by muscular psychos in WIFE BEATER vests, oppressed by a prison guard who looks too much like Kevin Bacon for comfort (and we’ve all seen in him Sleepers) and later bludgeoned by big bald guys, but these Screamers take the biscuit. Yeah, I know, Screamers: their only defence is to whinge and whine and have extreme PMT.

Women are nothing like that.

You first encounter one of these poor women being BEATEN by a prison inmate -who has  a Village People moustache – within an inch of her life. She’s even clad in sexy heels for all the creeps who find this sort of thing a turn-on, and not only is she bloodied and confused, but her hair is in disarray and her house dress is filthy. I’m not kidding; she’s an absolute state.

Once Murphy fights off the big brute who was assaulting her, the poor lass staggers to her feet and is, understandably, dazed and confused. She teeters about on her heels, fretting over her nails, when she spots Murphy huffing and puffing with that look in his eyes. What does she do? Obviously she has to defend herself; she has no choice. She swipes with her nails and screams, screams, SCREAMS for him to back off! But what do we, the gamers – Murphy- do? We take the bitch down. With a knife -from the kitchen no less – or a very manly wrench. We can do DIY on that bitch.

Unbelievable.

I was appalled.

A while later Murphy is attacked by one of these screaming bitches from behind, and he has to violently shake her off when, out of nowhere, her gal-pals arrive and start shrieking about shoes, periods, make-up and the like. Vile, absolutely vile: here we are slaughtering them when they clearly need our help. They’re deranged, wild, and looking absolutely terrible. I can’t blame them for wanting to slap Pendleton about a bit. There isn’t a nail salon in sight.

Disgusting.

So there’s sexism on two levels here: one, all the enemies are proud wife-beaters or bimbos in disarray, and two: Murphy is pounding these bitches like bakery dough. Not to mention the high heels, the nails/claws, the terrible dye-jobs; it just gets worse and worse. This is a disgusting misrepresentation of women.

Did I mention that you encounter the first screaming biatch in the basement of a HOUSE, and the second in a KITCHEN? Where there is a FRYING PAN and a vase of FLOWERS?

I know. I know.

But then we have these other bitches:

Torn hose, pink bra on show complete with slipping strap, mini-dress, smeared mascara? Oh please.

Know what these bleach-blonde, lipstick-smeared women do? They manipulate Murphy by crying and sobbing loudly, drawing him near, when out of nowhere they spawn shadow gal-pals who prance about the place and attack Murphy when he least expects it. SOUND FAMILIAR, BOYS?

Your girlfriends are nothing like that.

So shut the fuck up, brutes.

Murphy has to get to work SMASHING -yes, they make glassy-smashy-noises like the fake mannequin bitches they are- until they die horribly. If they aren’t crying they’re giggling, making fun of Murphy, who ultimately is only out for their blood, or a look at their hooters. Not to mention their gaping, blow-up-doll mouths, practically begging for Murphy’s wrench to be plunged into their moist, quiverring bodies.

Pathetic.

I am absolutely appalled. The only “strong female” in the game is Anne Cunningham, a typical daddy’s girl whose fate, ultimately, lays in the hands of -yep, you guessed it- that bastard Murphy. Oh, she might live, yeah, and they end with a sensual and highly erotic hug. So she either dies or succumbs to Murphy’s desires; not to mention what she ends up doing with Kevin Bacon Officer Sewell at the end.

Then, finally, we have this:

Look familiar, girls?

Yeah. Looks like a giant vag, doesn’t it?

Hardly a coincidence given all the other anti-female content. This void pops up at inconvenient times to suck Pendleton in whenever he’s in sight of an escape route, which parallels rather a lot with the male view on relationships, doesn’t it? Oh, when a bitch is about to lose her maaan, what’s the last resort? Give him the vag. Bastards love vag. They can’t escape that shit, right? Right. The void-vag will ultimately swallow Pendleton up unless he can run fast enough and, like most unreliable bastard men, Pendleton knows how to RUN.

Oh yes.

I think I’ve made my point. I just wanted y’all to know that this stuff hasn’t gone unnoticed, and when the next Silent Hill game comes out, we’ll be ready. Payback time. Got it, fellas? Us bitches: we’ll be waiting. We’ll be coming at you like a buzzard.

And we won’t be laughing, or crying, or screaming about shoes.

We’ll have rolling pins.

P.S Weeping Bats? Giant tampons.

Reviews of Second Coming and Waterborne

3 Sep

Take a read!

Second Coming

Waterborne

Video Vista Reviews up, Including “We Are What We Are”…

2 Apr

All right, so I wrote this review of We Are What We Are in about 5-10 minutes after a 3hr nap when I was particularly exhausted, and it shows. My bad.

Truly, I love writing film reviews, and I love getting free DVDs as payment. I love seeing my work online. It’s the coolest hobby. It’s just sometimes a girl leaves things to the VERY last minute, foolishly, and her “art” pays the price.

Luckily, we have an awesome editor who appears to have fixed some sloppy errors of mine – apart from one occasion where I repeat a word in the same paragraph, and if you ask any writer they’ll tell you how annoying that is – so my short contribution for this month appears to be passable. Thanks Tony, and I’m sorry if my piece was a pain in the arse this month. Or every month, for that matter…

Anyway, this movie was genre-confused and lacklustre to say the least. Go read my review to find out why, and check out all the other brilliant reviews while you’re at it.

That was an order.

In other news:

  • I officially became broke this week and had to move pretty much all of my stuff from my flat in London back home to Essex, because when my student loan comes in, I’ll only JUST be able to afford the rent, let alone living costs. Luckily my school year is very short, so I’m not missing lessons this way.
  • I started some long-overdue coursework. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.
  • My room is littered with cuddly toys and black bin-bags, desperately in need of a clear out. Saying goodbye to my childhood is going to be so damn tough, but I guess it’s not really goodbye…It’s just the attic. Still, I feel bad that my childhood is about to get stuffed into banana boxes and shoved up with the wasp nests and the christmas tree; not exactly great homage there.
  • I spent the last of my doe on my mummy, but it was worth it. I love her, but why does her birthday and Mother’s Day need to fall on the same weekend?
  • I’m turning 20 in 11 days and I’m fucking dreading it. I reached 16 and believed I’d stay that way forever. This is just one year closer to death…Oh, I know, I’m so damn morbid. Surely it’s better to be morbid than to skip around Brighton in jeans and a pink tutu, calling myself “Twenteen” like so many other saddoes in denial ? Right?
  • I recently finished two books: Fingersmith by Sarah Waters and Fight club by Chuck Palahniuk. You’ll be pleased to hear that both were fucking awesome, I’m sure. Oh, I do love books.

Two new film reviews: Bedevilled and Mindflesh

2 Mar

Please visit the Videovista website and have a read of the brand new film reviews, including my review of the amazing Bedevilled and my utter slating of Mindflesh.

Bedevilled totally surprised me. My past experience of Korean movies didn’t come remotely near this films standards, and I was really glad that such a cool, clever contribution to Asian cinema fell into my lap. You need to watch this movie for the sake of your own development…And you definitely need to read my review of it first. :P

<— This is a screenshot from Mindflesh, which really reminded me of my darling Hellraiser, which holds a special place in my heart. The novel I hold even closer still. Unfortunately, this scene was the only truly creepy/remotely clever part of this movie, in my opinion. You might think differently. Go read my review, and if it takes your fancy, definitely give the movie a go and see what it’s like for yourself.

Film Review Of “Dorothy” Up On Zone-Sf

5 Feb

My review of Dorothy, a horror film set in northern Ireland, is now up on Zone-Sf, along with a plethura of film, TV  and book reviews. Also check out Video Vista and read the wonderful Matthew S. Dent’s review of Caprica, the prequal to the much acclaimed SciFi show Battlestar Galactica.

Other news: I received two first-class grades for two pieces of coursework this week, w00t! This weekend has gone terribly so far, and unfortunately I don’t anticipate next week will go very well class-wise either. None the less, I very much look forward to doing some editing of a new story, and spending time with my wonderful boyfriend. Hurray for men, eh? Speaking of men, I’ve been listening to one in particular alot lately: Elvis Presley. You just can’t beat the King.

Zone-SF And Video Vista

4 Nov

Lollipops, children!

You like to read movie reviews, don’t you?

Sure, ’cause you’re a cool guy/girl. You’re a big film buff.

Maybe you’re just a poser.

Of course you wouldn’t be  if you visited VideoVista and Zone-Sf to read all the witty, analytical reviews. I can tell you by experience that you won’t find reviews anywhere else that are as honest and funny anywhere else. The reviewers on these sites are merciless, and they come in all shades of sarcastic. So read now, or miss out on some of the most opinionated reviews you’ve ever read.

Hey! How ’bout you start by reading mine? This month I reviewed Blood Snow and Death Tube for all you horror buffs to get your greedy little paws on. Enjoy!

Paranormal Activity 2, Bimbos And Flying Babies

25 Oct

The other night my darling boyfriend took me out on one of our awesomely customary dinner and film dates. I got to see a scary movie (or was it? We’ll get to that in a moment) and chomp on deliciously spicey, snot-enducing spaghetti and prawns and strolled hand-in-hand through the darkened, moonlight streets of Southend. It was lovely, as ever.

So don’t go thinking that the bitch-bomb I’m about to drop in regards to my cinema experience ruined my night in any fashion; I just like to rant, that’s all. I’ll begin by briefly mentioning that Paranormal Activity 2, whilst being quite a clever sequal, lacked in the same way the first did. It was long, boring and repeatitive, barring a couple of genuinely scary moments. These moments, however, were only really scary because of the sheer volume of the screams and BANG! noises, which aren’t very original for such highly acclaimed horror films. Matthew aptly named one of these events ‘The Great Kitchen Sneeze’, whereby our leading lady is scared out of her slacks by all the cupboards and doors bursting open in one great calamity, whilst she’s supping a coffee and nose-deep in Marie Claire. This scene was quite clever, I thought, and did make me crush  Matt’s dear little hand to oblivion.

However, I saw it as more of a tribute to Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense, when  Col is amidst the same spooky occurrance in his own kitchen. A little subtler on the creepy scale than PA2, I have to say; PA2′s version was jumpy, as were many scenes towards the climax, but it lacked that skin-slithering gruesomeness that every good horror film should have. This was a movie that, rather than filling you with dread and really fucking with your mind, it did the ol’ clap in your face thing. The director might aswell have popped out of the breadbin and said ‘HAH! You blinked!’.

Yeah, big deal? My dog’s scared of fireworks, clapping, and balloons for that very same reason; even she would’ve said this technique was average. In one of the less-jumpy scenes,  where the baby-born doll toddler appears to slide from his cot by the hands of some invisible demon, the crowd actually started laughing. Yes, I know it’s difficult to make this stuff look real, and I know you’re trying to create suspense – but we all know there were strings attached. This isn’t the silent film era – give us more to chew on, I thought.

So anyway, I have a question for you guys. Why do the Paranormal activity films attract cluster upon cluster of Cheryl-obsessed, bleach-doused bimbos? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not their image that bothers me the most; I’ve been looking like a cross between Little My and Snuffkin from The Moomins all year and gotten away with it. It’s those loud, obnoxious, irritating voices that come in those packages! Every bump, jolt and scare in this film made every girl wearing Uggs shriek like they’ve just spotted Will-I-Am in the rows in front of them, and that’s not all. They then proceeded to laugh about how awfully frightened and dainty they are, before having a not-so-intellectual discussion about what just happened. Loudly.

All the while the film is rolling, my teeth are grinding, and we all die a little more inside. If I had a tank of petrol and some matches, I’m not sure who I’d rather cast ablaze first – them or me. I daresay they’re more flammable with all that cotton wool padding out their heads, you know; where their fucking brain should be.

Bugger me, is it the 25th already? I have two dvds to review. What’s that popular, appropriate saying? Fuck my life?

Three Reviews Up On Video Vista!

3 Oct

I review Zombie Women Of Satan, The Haunting Of Marsten Manor and the excellent Tears For Sale, all on Video Vista! Check them out for all the good, the bad, and the damn right ugly.

Video Vista is an online monthy magazine, with a long list of dedicated critics who review the latest dvd releases of all genres. Running all of this is editor Tony Lee, who kindly took me on board. Please give my reviews a read, and have a look at all there is to offer at Video Vista.

My lovely Matthew S. Dent has also contributed some fantastic reviews; please visit him here, and check out his thorough reviews of The Royle Family: The Golden Egg Cup, Mega Pirahna, and Law & Order Season 7 at Video Vista.

Review of Roy C. Booth’s Three Zombies And A Demon up at Shroud Magazine!

18 Sep

Read it HERE.

My review of a collection of four one-act plays by Roy C. Booth.  You’ll die laughing!

Dvd reviews & update

10 Sep

Bonjour!

I took a few weeks break from my blog because I went on a (rainy) holiday to France a couple weeks ago, and since then I’ve had alot to sort out in regards to the flat I’m sharing with my friends for uni.

My latest update, I guess, is that Tony Lee at Video Vista has selected me to become part of his dvd review team, and my first three arrived today: Zombie Women Of Satan, The Haunting Of Marsten Manor, and Tears For Sale.

What can I say? I love zombies and B-movie horror films, which is lucky, because all the cool stuff like House and TrueBlood had been taken by the time I applied for the role.

If you love them too, then watch this space; I shall update soon with my latest reviews, such as the plays by Roy .C. Booth fir Shroud Magazine (which were put on hold because I’ve had so much on lately) and the films I mentioned above.

You can find the links to both Shroud Magazine and Video Vista over here ——>

Have a look at some of the cool reviews already up there.

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